You go before me

“You go before me and follow me. You place your hand of blessing on my head.”

Psalm 139:5

Oh wow.  Quick little catch up here. Life has been, to say the least, absolutely insane. Let’s start with this biggie: I got engaged about 3 months ago to the absolute love of my life and very best friend, Michael! We are thrilled and I am counting down the days until I am his wife. In the midst of this excitement however, my sweet man moved to Nashville to begin his 4 year journey in pharmacy school, and I will be moving to Nashville myself to join him in just a few short months. Some days are filled with giddiness and excitement, while others are filled with longing, confusing feelings of sadness, and impatience. This season is one heck of a lesson for me, let me tell you.

If I’m being honest, I always expected the engagement season to be, well, easier. It has been clear that I struggle with expectations a lot and this is becoming a lot more clear right now! It has been easy for me to feel bogged down by anxiety and carrying burdens that are not mine to carry. My emotions have not always matched up to the circumstances that people look at from the outside and see perfection, which is absolutely NOT the case. I feel as broken and human as they come, but am surrounded by these incredible, tear-worthy blessings. My heart is oh so grateful but also realizing more and more my need for Jesus and His grace. Without His grace I allow myself to spin and toil into thoughts about Michael and I’s very uncertain future over the next several years, petty details about the wedding, or how in the world am I going to find a new job? Girl’s got some thoughts.

And to be honest, there are days when I try to “box in” and control each and every little worry or anxiety just so in my own power I can make it seem like everything is put together in a neat little box. This obviously, thank sweet goodness, never works.

But Jesus, in His perfect love, came to this world and experienced the same fears, pains, burdens, that this world can bring. He lived this perfect life for me all while experiencing so much more longing and suffering than I could ever imagine.

So when I am confused by my emotions, bewildered by the future and the unknown, may my eyes be turned to the throne of grace. That I would rest in the truth of the gospel that screams HOPE over and over again- that He has not left me here. He has not abandoned me and will not leave me unchanged or waste any time of pruning.

Not only does the Lord give physical signs of hope- but also the promises that He is walking with us and has gone before us, step-by-step in the most trying of seasons. He knows every fear, every anxious thought, and even better when I don’t understand what to do with it or how to tell the Lord this, the “Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words” (Romans 8:26). How beautiful, and sweet, and gracious, is our God?

So in this season, I choose grace over condemnation. Acknowledging that some days are hard and some days are super sweet. But through all the change and unknowns, my hope is in a God who speaks over the moon and the stars and makes the sun rise each day. My prayer is that through His grace my eyes would be open to see Him more and more in each joy, trial, and transition. For “they will see in our history, the faithful love of the Lord (Psalm 107:43). My hope is in His faithfulness, in who He is, and in His promises. For no word from God will ever fail.

 

Photo by: Cameron Faye Photography

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